As it’s the middle of February it’s the time of year when the Revolting Party makes its predictions for 2026. So here they are.
Trump to annexe Hartlepool.
With Venezuela in the bag and Greenland, Canada and Iran to soon follow we believe the US president is eyeing Hartlepool as his next strategic acquisition. Trump has previously praised the “resort” for its “BIG SAND” and believes that he could make the weather there “BEAUTIFUL”.
Watch this space…..
The local elections in May 2026 will be postponed due to rain
Are you busy campaigning for the Welsh Sennedd, Scottish Parliament or an English Council seat? Don’t bother the elections won’t happen. Covid has given the state a taste for cancelling elections and this year won’t be any exception. In the absence of war, famine or plague we expect the authorities to fall back on the old British favourite of the weather. The Met Office will helpfully unveil storm Genghis a week before the election and the projected light rain and 20 mph winds will give the government the cover they desperately need.
English councils to introduce virtual bin emptying.
The Birmingham experiment where a strike has absolved the council from collecting domestic waste has been hailed as an exceptional success in local government circles. The model will form the basis for cash strapped councils throughout the land to renege on their statutory responsibilities. Physical bin collections will end and be replaced by AI generated virtual “events”. Residents will be able to customise their bin person to meet their personal preferences. By uploading a picture of an overflowing wheelie bin it will be able to recreate what having it emptied by your chosen bin person might actually look like.
Government to introduce a grass tax.
The war on farmers- and anyone with a lawn-will be taken to a new level. The government will introduce a grass tax “to save the NHS”. Anyone who owns any blades of grass will have to have the number of blades counted and audited and then pay a levy of 50p per blade per annum. Contracts for the counting and auditing of blades of grass will be let in secret by the government with ministers’ cousins and landlords from their favourite pubs invited to apply. Absolutely no experience in grass counting will be required.
NHS shrines to be included in some churches.
We’ve previously covered this developing trend where churches are addressing their complete lack of a congregation with worship of the NHS rather than God. We see more churches of all denominations following this fruitful path and the NHS being all to happy to pass round the collection plate.
An amnesty for all past crimes.
Police forces are increasingly expected to investigate “historic” crimes when they are already clearly unable to keep up to speed with the present-day ones. The solution will be an amnesty for anyone who has ever committed a crime. Simply self-report to your local police station with details of your misdemeanour and the slate will be wiped clean. We expect this to become an annual event meaning that should you have the misfortune of committing a crime you will only need to evade detection for a maximum of 12 months before being in the clear again. Certain very serious crimes such as nasty Facebook posts, misgendering or being a “far right person” will be exempt from the amnesty.
Laziness to be recognised as an official disability.
Following a campaign by the Laziness Action Group (LAG) legislation will be brought forward to introduce parity between chronic laziness and more mainstream disabilities such as blindness and paraplegia. Lacking a reliable diagnostic test access to additional benefits, workplace adjustments and disabled parking spaces will depend on self-reporting.
Semiclog snoring vaccine to become available.
Is your sleep disturbed by snoring from your partner, children or dog? 2026 is likely to be the year in which big pharma comes to your rescue. We understand that the Semiclog snoring vaccine will enter clinical trials in October and be made available to the general public a few days’ later. Simply administer the nightly vaccine to the miscreant and their breathing will be sufficiently suppressed to allow you to get a full night’s sleep.
School leaver age to be raised to 25.
AI is destroying jobs, there are already a million under 18 NEETs (Not in education, employment or training) and the government has run out of cunning techniques for manipulating the unemployment figures. So, it’s back to a century old tried and tested technique of simply “keeping the bastards in school for longer”. Normally we’d expect the increase to 25 to be slowly phased in but there’s no time for that- we’re looking for a sudden change. Sweeteners such as allowing the study of video games from virtual classrooms (bedrooms) will probably be included. By 2028 we envisage that all schoolchildren will be able to send an avatar to school in place of themselves at which point the leaving age may be raised to 35.
Electoral commission to authorise political parties to stand virtual candidates in elections.
Continuing the AI theme. All the mainstream parties are now troubled by problematic candidates who unhappily choose to speak their mind when given the opportunity. Others have been outed as authors of dodgy facebook posts from 20 tears ago. Clamour will grow for parties to be able to stand virtual candidates and the Electoral Commission will happily comply.
SMART toilets to be rolled out.
Toilets contain a wealth of data which can be monetised by the water companies and other unscrupulous cowboys. An Ecoli outbreak will probably provide the perfect excuse for a pilot. Once installed in some small hapless town the toilets will feed health information gleaned from faecal matter back to the water companies- who will then sell it to the highest bidder.
Keir Starmer to still be prime minister on 1st January 2027.
Any set of predictions does have to have a ridiculous long shot in there. And this is ours. Impossible? almost certainly but let us see what happens.
The Revolting Party to cause a political storm by coming 12th in a parliamentary by election.
Ok we’re a bit short on the conventional party things like members, candidates and money. But we are a registered political party and if anyone can help us with the above 3 missing ingredients, we are all ears. We do plan to stand in the occasional election and use it to highlight the absurdity of the very concept of “government”. Fancy helping us then do get in touch via the website.