In a bold move towards what the district council calls “aquatic inclusivity,” schools in the Brockhampton district have been instructed to enter a range of swimming abilities — including no ability whatsoever — for this year’s annual district swimming gala.
Traditionally, schools would simply select their fastest swimmers for the event, resulting in a fiercely contested competition based solely on who could actually swim the fastest. But under the new directives from the council’s freshly minted “Woke Alliance” administration, this is now considered dangerously “performancist” and “swimbiguous.”
Under the new rules:
Each stroke event must feature two good swimmers, one mediocre swimmer, and one child who categorically cannot swim.
The relay must consist of two mediocre swimmers and two non swimmers.
When asked whether this arrangement was, perhaps, a touch unsafe, Felicity Nomeet the Council’s Education Spokesperson replied:
“What’s truly unsafe is the toxic culture of labelling children as ‘non-swimmers’ and excluding them from opportunities based on such an arbitrary, water-based construct. Eric the Eel bravely challenged this performancist agenda 25 years ago, and it’s frankly embarrassing how little progress has been made since then.”
She went on to clarify that the council would be vigilantly monitoring schools for any attempts to smuggle actual swimmers into the non-swimmer slots, stating:
“We intend to make absolutely sure those entrants genuinely cannot swim. We’ll be conducting random splash tests on the day. If a so-called ‘non-swimmer’ so much as doggy paddles, they’re out — and the school could face a Diversity Inquiry and have their funding reduced.”
The announcement has sparked lively debate among parents. Local mum Debbie Smith, whose son Liam has reportedly “never looked directly at a swimming pool,” voiced her concerns:
“I’m all for inclusion, but this seems a bit mad. Liam’s talent lies in aggressively refusing to get his hair wet. Now he’s apparently representing the school in the 50m freestyle. I just hope they’re supplying armbands, or at least a long stick.”
The initiative has already sparked fierce debate, with critics accusing the council of turning a cherished community event into a controlled aquatic hazard, while supporters insist it’s a vital step towards a future where ability, competence and competence and not relevant to swimmin, sport or wider life.