The UK government has today furiously condemned the actions of French police officers, who reportedly slashed several inflatable boats carrying migrants from beaches near Calais. The intervention, captured with remarkable convenience by a BBC film crew on the scene, saw French officers disabling the boats just as migrants prepared to set off on their voyage across the Channel. The boats are now unusable.
Government spokesperson Sir Ian Trembleweed did not mince his words:
“We pay the French police half a billion pounds a year to ensure the orderly and dignified passage of migrants to our shores. This morning, however, they decided to behave like a pack of rabid dogs, wantonly damaging private property. It’s an absolute disgrace.”
The government confirmed it would offer full compensation to the boat owners — not just for the loss of the vessels, but also for the missed opportunity of transporting their human cargo.
“These boats are valuable business assets. Every missed departure is a missed business opportunity. The UK government stands ready to compensate not just for the physical loss, but for the lost earnings potential as well,” Sir Ian declared.
Officials expressed hope that the incident was the result of rogue, far-right gendarmes rather than a shift in official French government policy.
“If this turns out to be a deliberate change in approach, we may have no choice but to increase our annual payments from a modest £500 million to perhaps £800 million — or whatever sum it takes to ensure the safe and uninterrupted flow of this thriving maritime industry,” he added.
Eyewitnesses described scenes of men, some as young as 18, clambering into boats in ankle-deep water which also had waves. “Anything could have happened,” noted one bystander.