Britain’s National Health Service (NHS) has unveiled plans to diversify into the religious market after agreeing a strategic partnership with The Church of England.
Explaining the move NHS strategic Lead Sir Henry Shillbottom said,
“With our core healthcare portfolio performing very well we felt it was time to look at possible options for profitable expansion. Religion is an obvious and natural fit for us. Christianity is fine but really a bit 2nd Millenium. It needs reinforcing by something contemporary that captures the current zeitgeist and enables people to worship something that they truly believe in.
Initially services will alternate. Christ will be venerated one week and then us on the following Sunday.
In time we could see people turning their homes into NHS temples and shrines. Perhaps adorning their living room windows with rainbow symbology or maybe engaging in a weekly appreciative clapping ritual. But that’s all for the future and probably a step too far at the moment.”
Speaking on behalf of The Church of England, The Right Reverend John Worthy, Bishop of Blockhampton, added,
“Desperate times call for desperate measures and needs must. There really is no barrier to how low we are prepared to sink in the quest to put bums on pews and pound coins on the collection plate.”
Shillbottom continued,
“We can see enormous synergies between our operating model and the Church’s resources. Church buildings could easily be used as healthcare facilities. More importantly the church has an army of unpaid volunteers, churchwardens, coffee morning helpers etc. We can easily put these people to good use providing basic health services such as tooth pulling, ear syringing, vaccinations and maybe even minor operations. It is a total fit with the direction in which the NHS is heading.”
I absolutely disagree 💯% with this. Turning churches into health care facilities and getting the volunteers to do services like providing vaccinations, tooth extractions, ear syringing! I’ve can’t believe it!
This is a Christian country and our churches should not be used in any other way.
What the actual F have I just read? We are a Christian country, why would I want Susan from the church pulling my teeth out or performing a minor operation. Reverend John Murphy does not speak for the rest of us. You are a national health service, I suggest you focus on that such as waiting times, cancelled operations, not listening to patients concerns etc
Church, is a God worship place, and you must leave like that, and I am pretty sure , doesn’t need to reinforce anything! Leave as it is , and don’t destroy what has been built for centuries!
Oh, whatever next! Fashion shows?! Halloween parties?! Gay vicars? Closed-door Freemason ceremonies?! Oh, wait a minute, the Church of England is already doing all those things. Well, we may as well have some NHS worship sessions too. Should I bring my pots and pans?