Premier League outfit Manchester United have suggested that climate change and global warming may be behind their dramatic loss of form in recent years.
Club spokesperson Derrick Hengaat said,
“If you look at a map, Old Trafford is situated a couple of miles west of the Etihad (editor’s note: United play at Old Trafford; their rivals, Manchester City, play at the Etihad). It’s generally wetter and windier in the west. And rain and wind disrupt the smooth passing game that we like to play. Consequently, we are suffering more from these extreme weather events than our main rival. (Editor’s note… Brentford?)
Our loss of form dates from roughly 2014 when the catastrophic effects of climate change started to be noticeable. In the same period City have won 6 titles. There are no coincidences in football or life.”
When it was pointed out that Liverpool, who have had a highly successful last decade are a further 30 miles to the west of United, Hengaat retorted,
“You are confusing weather with climate. A common mistake amongst the unscientific.”
Continuing with his rant he observed,
“And please realise City are funded and owned by an oil rich nation. So, we have a situation in which the polluter benefits whilst the little man, us, suffers. We will be petitioning the Premier League to introduce a points equalisation scheme to counter the effects of climate change. Not sure exactly how this will operate but as long as City start each season on minus 20 points, we will be content.”