Starmer to ditch net zero

Starmer To Ditch Net Zero.

The UK Government has this evening announced plans to ditch it’s Net Zero target and replace it with a new more ambitious “Plus 5” target.

Prime Minister Starmer announced

“We need to save the world. Now not tomorrow. Net Zero takes us to a standstill situation but it fails to account for the damage humans have already done to the planet. It’s time to reverse the process of taking and start giving back. Plus 5 will ensure that our historical legacy, which in these small islands is especially atrocious, starts to be reversed.

Climate supremo Ed Milliband explained that the new target would commit the UK population to absorbing more carbon dioxide than they emit. On an individual basis. Initially 5% more hence Plus 5 “but in time who knows- it’s a very flexible approach.”

The target will be achieved by utilising new Gates Foundation technology which facilitates internal bodily storage (IBS) of carbon dioxide.

Milliband commented that the system will be rolled out in phases and be linked to Universal Basic Income payments. He stated

“Like all good socialists we will start with the poor, destitute and hopelessly impoverished. To eat they will have to access IBS through their UBI (Universal Basic Income). After that we will move on to whatever is left of the middle classes and similarly compel them to store carbon dioxide within their organs and various body spaces and voids.

It’s new technology. But we’ve been assured it’s safe. So, no need for any tedious testing we can just crack on.

There will be limited opportunities to trade carbon credits. So those who prove particularly adept at bodily storage of CO2 will be able to sell some of their excess capacity to the rich and wealthy- who won’t be expected to participate in the initiative.”